I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
