I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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