I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
