Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
