I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
