She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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