my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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