he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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