did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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