I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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