you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
