He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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