I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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