I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I have already put on my inside pants.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
