I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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