I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
