I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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