woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
So apparently I’m into choking now
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
