I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Randomize
