He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
