so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
