To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
