totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
