By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
