bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
