Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
