He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
