I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
