This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
