Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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