I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
