I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
