I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
