she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I love how my cats smell like pot.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
