Your face is a jimmy john
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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