Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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