david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
