she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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