she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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