I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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