If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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