I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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