Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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