My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
