I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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