I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
