Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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