How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize
