im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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