i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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